I Never Said That

Dear Boo and Bubble,

We’ve been with you for a few days now and the occasion is the wedding of your parents’ good friends Ryan and Kevin.  Alex, this was your first wedding and you looked so dapper in your “handsome suit.” All of this activity has me reminiscing on a time 39 years ago when Captain and I married…..and a funny thing that happened on the way to the altar.

The week before the wedding, I drove from Greenville to Gaffney, SC, where Captain worked in a small law office and where he lived in what was to be our very first apartment.  We were going to a party at the invitation of his boss, but Captain also wanted to talk over some of the details of our service. 

He asked me to bring a copy of our vows, which are the words you say to each other to declare your love and set the parameters for a long life together.  They are serious, somber words that inculcate a promise never to be broken.  The promise elevates them from regular words to the category of a vow.  When you vow something, you better be ready to carry it out.

Understanding that, Captain wanted to read our vows to make sure that he wasn’t going to say something he didn’t mean.  I have always admired that aspect of him.  He dislikes dishonesty in others or false commitments from them.  As a very sincere man, he holds himself to this high standard.

We had decided on a very traditional service which suited our personalities. Besides that, your great uncle Bryant had just been ordained in the Baptist Church and our wedding would be his very first marriage ceremony.  There would be none of the modern remonstrations of song or ritual.  For example, Granddaddy Schaefer would give me away to Captain and when asked who did, he would say “I do,” not “her mother and I” or “her family” or “all her cousins along with the next door neighbors.” 

Our vows fell into the same category.  They were standard, nothing that we had to compose or stew over.   As we reviewed them on that occasion, it started out simply enough  

“I take thee to be my wedded wife/husband,

To have and to hold from this day forward,

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer”

That was pretty straight forward.

“In sickness and in health, to love and to cherish,

‘til death us do part,  according to God’s holy ordinance;”

No problem there….words pretty much self-explanatory.

“And thereto I plight thee my troth.”

Uh, oh…

“What does that mean, Beth?”

“Well, I really don’t know.”

“Okay, don’t you think we better find out?”

Nothing would do but Captain retrieved his dictionary.

After digging around in first “plight” and then “troth,” we finally figured out that the phrase literally means “I pledge thee my fidelity.”  If the conversation could have ended there, this whole story would be irrelevant, but it didn’t.  Captain kept reading the dictionary, finding derivations of the words – like, for example, “trothplight” which may have some absolutely lovely definition, but at first blush sounds absolutely horrid…sort of like a witch that has a hairy wart on the end of her nose and pointy teeth.

“Ahhh,” he said. “You are my little trothplight.”

“Stop it,” I responded as I started to giggle.

“Hey, you look like a trothplight,” Captain continued. “I think I’ll introduce you as my trothplight from now on.”

I continued to giggle until it transformed into outright laughter.

“You better stop right now, because when we get to this part next week, I might not be able to control myself.”

Captain prudently agreed.  We put away the vows and went on to other things. 

The next week embraced all the upheaval associated with the days leading up to a wedding.  Guests came into town.  The party schedule accelerated to a fever pitch.  My mind raced over every detail of the preparations and I totally forgot about our conversation.

Finally, the big day arrived – May 18.  At the appointed hour of 4:00 PM, the processional music signaled the start of the ceremony at First Baptist Church.  Our mothers were seated.  John, with his father as best man, entered at the front of the sanctuary, filled with friends and family.  One by one, the groomsmen and bridesmaids walked down the aisle to their designated places. 

Granddaddy Schaefer and I waited in the vestibule for our cue of “The Wedding March” by Wagner.  The organist, who was a close personal friend, almost broke the pipes with his bombastic exuberance that the time had come for my entrance.  The congregation arose accordingly.

Everything was going as planned.  Great Uncle Bryant started the service with aplomb greater than his rookie status.  Granddaddy Schaefer fulfilled his role furtively in handing me over to Captain.  Then the time came for the vows.  Captain had to go first.

At Bryant’s prompt, he began.  “I, John, take thee, Beth, to be my wedded wife…to have and to hold from this day forward…for better or worse….”

It was about here that I our discussion the week before reared its devious head.  Looking into Captain’s sincere eyes as he tried to express his earnest love for me, I began to chuckle.  I tried – really hard – to squelch it.  The harder I tried, the worse it got.  My eyes began to squint and my breath came in halts. 

And when Captain concluded with …”I plight thee my troth”….I spewed a laugh so out of character for the occasion, Bryant looked at me like I had lost my mind.  However, wanting to maintain decorum, he plunged right into leading me through my part.

“Repeat after me…I, Beth, take thee, John, to by my wedded husband…”

By this point, my shoulders were shaking.  I couldn’t say anything for trying not to totally explode into a guffaw.  All I could do was nod my head.

“To have and to hold from this day forward…”  Again, I nodded.  Captain, bless his heart, stood there stoically trying not to laugh himself. The opportunity to vow my love for Captain passed without a single word from me.  The ceremony concluded.  Captain tucked my arm in his and we walked out of the sanctuary together.

Over these many years, on the rare occasions when I might be upset (yes, I can be) with Captain about something, I’ve been known to say “Well, you know, I never actually married you.”

He always responds by saying “Boy, we’ve sure been having a good old time, then, haven’t we?”