Tuesday, March 12, 2013

My Neutral Won't Work





Dear Boo and Bubble,

As you know from the earlier Blog “Alan Shepherd,” your great, great, great grandmother Mattie lived in an apartment in the basement of 3 Lakecrest from the time we moved there until she began the downward slide of dementia that required moving her to a nursing home.  At the time, she worked as the Greenville office manager and personal secretary for Congressman Robert T. Ashmore, a job she began while he was a lawyer and continued through his political climb from county prosecutor to Congress.

Mattie didn’t drive.  Not many women did in her generation.  In fact, cars were luxuries for most families at that time, reserved for those who could afford them.  When she came to live with us, Dad carried her to work in the mornings and picked her up in the afternoons.  Her office was in the main post office where the Congressman had his headquarters.  She depended on others for grocery shopping, getting to church, and other various errands. 

When she retired, this all changed.  Perhaps out of sheer boredom or innate restlessness or a streak of independence that bristled at reliance on others for something she could do herself, Mattie decided that she would learn to drive.  The decision provided plenty of family consternation because she was in her seventies.  No amount of logic, cajoling or promises to get her wherever she wanted to go whenever she wanted to go there came even close to making a dent in her resolve.  She was going to drive.

In typical Mattie fashion, she determined that the first logical order of business was to buy the car.  That way she could practice driving with it which would prepare her to take the license test.  Never mind that the law dictated a vice-versa.  It made perfect sense to her and if she, heaven forbid, were stopped for driving without a license, all she would have to do is explain it thus.

In her search for an automobile, she exhibited the same stubborn self-reliance.  Neither Granddaddy Schaefer nor her trusted brother Gene were consulted and when she came home driving the 1959 red and white Plymouth with sleek fins, pushbutton transmission and no power steering, we all suspected that some wily dealer had pawned it off on her because she didn’t know any better.  It was quite literally a tank.

She proudly barreled into the driveway that day and parked the mobile monster behind our house at the bottom of the hill in the back, just in front of the entrance to her apartment.  When he saw it, Granddaddy stared with incredulity.  Nothing he could do, though…the cash had transferred along with the title.

The next morning, we sat at the picnic table in the kitchen eating breakfast.  From outside, we could hear Mattie getting into her new car and turn on the ignition.  Granddaddy Schaefer almost spewed his coffee as he cringed with fear at the thought of her getting out on the street. 

  Hummmm, hummmm, hummmm” went the engine.  Then “VROOOOOM!”

He bolted upright to look out the sink window.  “My Lord…she’s going to run into the woods!” he screamed.  But the car sat in its spot at her door.

Hummmm, hummm, hummmm” the engine idled again.  VROOOOM!”

Granddaddy sat back down at the table.  “I have no clue what she’s doing,” he mumbled to us as he resumed with his coffee.

In a few minutes, the engine noise subsided completely and we heard Mattie shut the car door.  Shortly afterwards, the clunking sound of feet on the basement steps signaled that she was on her way upstairs.  The door opened across the hall from the kitchen.  There she stood, a look of agitation on her face with a slight bit of chagrin.

“Schaefer, I think I’m going to have to take that car back.”

“Why, mom?” he responded.  “It sounds like it’s running fine to me.”

“Well, my neutral won’t work.”

I thought Granddaddy would now choke on his coffee. (It hadn’t been a good morning for the beverage.)

He began to chuckle.  “Well, mom, what do you think your neutral is supposed to do?”

“I don’t know, Schaefer, but it won’t work and I think I should take the car back and demand that they fix it!”

Now, boys, it’s hard enough to explain to somebody how things work…..but I learned that morning it’s twice as hard to explain how something is supposed NOT to work.  I have no idea whether Mattie ever understood fully the concept of “neutral,” but she kept the tank which, despite the family dismay, did provide for some interesting tales in our family folklore!

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